The "fat" friend

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Before I start this post let me tell you that I'm a very sensitive person. It's part of my nature. I analyze everything way too much and I take everything way to personal. That said, let me talk about the 'fat' friend.

 I'm going to Paris in a couple of weeks with a friend. She's a gorgeous young woman and just told me how she just found that perfect dress, pin-up style, which she plans on wearing on my birthday - witch will be during our trip to Paris. And everything inside me tensed. Great, I thought, on my own birthday I'll be the "fat" friend ...

Sometimes, even though I'm an XXXL woman, I feel pretty. It doesn't happen often, but it does. When the hair is sitting right, when I wear some new clothes, when the makaup looks particulary good ... that's a moment when I feel pretty. But all that is smashed in the moment a pretty person is standing next to me. Then I feel ugly. In an instant.

I stand on the train to work, feeling pretty, and our 19 year old intern also enters the train to stand next to me? BOOM, I feel ugly, I feel invisible. Cause who the hell could ever look at me and think of me as 'pretty' when someone like our intern is standing next to me?

In my head, it's just clear that no matter how much effort I put into my looks, no matter how nice my hair, clothes or makeup are: I'll never be as pretty as my thin friend next to me who'd look amazing without any effort at all.

Of course not every overweight woman feels like this. I just asked one of my friends with a little bit more meet on her bones and she said she never feels uglier with pretty people around. Guess it's just me then.

But either way, that feeling of being the fat friend hits very hard with that one friend that joins me in Paris. She's a beautiful woman, everyone loves her. As if I don't feel like the ugly friend next to her enough. She's the most amazing person I've ever met, but it hurts to imagine her standing there in her dress, huuuge boobs, her nice shoes, made up nicely .... and then ... there's me ... looking like a blown up pear, no neck because of that huge chin, dressed in whide pants and something form-less to hide my figure. I've always been taught by my Parents how important it is what other people think of you. And when I imagine how I look next to any pretty girl, especially my friend on my birthday, it's pretty much this ...

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I guess people who never had to worry how they look just ... well ... don't worry about how others might feel. Am I wrong? I never asked one of my friends ... do they ever worry I might feel bad or ugly next to them? Does that thought even enter their mind? Probably not. But I can't blame them. After all they've done everything right where I've done everything wrong.

But they can't imagine what an uncomfortable feeling it is. Me and a friend once visited another friend of ours. One of them has a very tight, awesome figure for her short height, the other one is tall and super skinny, like, really skinny, but beautiful nevertheless. Both are, according to bmi, underweight. So it hurt me like a kick in the face when I sat on the sofa and they both tried on clothes, talking about how unbelievably fat they've gotten. I just sat there like "Oh you've got to be kidding me.".

It's the same when my friends ask me to go shopping with them. Nothing tortures me more. They go shopping in teenage-stores full of pretty stuff I'd really love to wear. But the only thing that could fit me are ear rings :P I avoid these stores. Some of the skirts they sell there I couldn't even wear on one thigh alone. But why shouldn't they shop? Why shouldn't I go when they ask me? Should they feel bad for me? Should they go alone just because I can't handle the fact I'm always the ugly friend?

But I need to speak up this time. At least this one time. Even though I love my friend and can't wait for Paris ... I don't want to be the fat friend on my own birthday ...